Yes. It is difficult. I’m not going to lie, I’m not going to sugar-coat it. I’m exhausted, I’m weary, I’m in a lot of discomfort, and I’m finding myself very disillusioned. From day one of diagnosis in May, 13, 2011, its been like a race to the finish. I was so full of faith. I KNEW He could handle this one for me and my dear children. I still believe He can and will. I’ve been inundated with this treatment, that treatment, these side-effects, the next side effects. Always fully aware of what will be barreling down the pike in my general direction at any given moment. Sometimes the symptoms knock you clean on your butt and sometimes they are more of a setback. Regardless, it’s hard to be unable to settle into ANY type of routine from day to day, or to feel secure that you know that your times are in His hands… safe and secure as the day I was born. Things change, promises seem to change, interpretations change, my understanding of Him and how he works, change.
Each leg of this journey has come and gone more quickly than I’d imagined. I’ve been unable to stay any course of treatment for too long because of how brutally my body has been effected. I stand in the mirror as a fragment of what I once was… just a year and a half ago! What happened. Why this? Why me? Why now? Why must my kids watch me deteriorate on a daily basis? Yet I’m fully aware that ‘Whys” get me nowhere but into a world of hurt, doubt, confusion and frustration. Things can always be better, yes. But things can also always be worse. We just have to take what comes our way in stride. And just make the best of it… ALL of it.
All that to say… the plan continues. I finished my 2 weeks of radiation last Friday ( a little less than satisfied with the pain relief associated with this past treatment vs. the prior two). I’m also weaning off of my steroids, and pain meds. Some days are brutal, spending the majority of most days in bed, and other days permit me more freedom, for which I am always anxious to express my gratitude.
Sooo…. having ‘exhausted’ all traditional resources and conventional Colon Cancer Meds - having progressed on each, The next step is leading me to a clinical trial of Regorafenib, offered through OHSU Knight Cancer Institute. It is an oral pill designed to be taken on a daily basis for 3 weeks, followed by 1 week off. Weekly screening for the first 8 weeks at the minimum, just to keep track of vital stats and see what my body decides to do with the treatment. I guess I’m just thankful that I HAVE another option and no one’s locking me out of their plush buildings just yet!
To be painfully honest, my evenings have been filled with fears, nightmares, worries, anxiety… laboring with every thing in my soul to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ and how HE would have me interpret and respond to what he allows to come my way in His deep (inexplicable) grace and unmatched love.
Having said all of the above, My mom will be loading me into the car at 7 a.m. tomorrow, Friday morning for another trek to OHSU. Tomorrow will be a day filled with signing consents, screening, gathering information, doing blood work, lab work, an ECG, urine tests, etc. And, no doubt I’ll be given more information than I’ll know what to do with. Reading the 18 page consent form this evening was equally tear jerking. WHO SIGNS UP FOR THIS STUFF?!?!? Full disclosure is something I think I’d prefer live without on evenings such as these. I’m more of a ‘see no evil, hear no evil’ type of soul.
BUT… underneath are the everlasting, capable arms of my my Father whom I know has my very best interests in mind. He will not slumber nor sleep, and He will carry me on His broad shoulders all the way home… Safe, complete, and full of HIS peace. Not the kind the world gives, but the peace only HE has available to me.
I’m surrounded by loved ones, prayers, thoughtful words, cards, meals, flowers, fasting, support. Just the constant reminders that I am loved, thought of, ached over. Thank you Lord for burdening the hearts of your saints so that my needs are met daily, and even through the late night hours when I often feel a deep chasm of loneliness envelop me. YOU are there with your light shining bright to pull me back into the awareness that you have not gone anywhere. You are not planning to go anywhere. And that everything I need for today is found right here in You. There is not an hour or moment on the clock where you cannot be found, embraced and cried upon. Thank you for LOVE… true love that is stronger than death, and greater than life.
My only hope is in You. Help me to finish my race strong with full assurance of faith that what You have promised, You are also able to perform. I will give You, my kids and my family EVERY thing that I have to give, and it’s my solomn vow never to give up. Not for a single second. No matter how hard it gets. That is my promise. And the conclusion is up to Him.